TawnyaS
I’ve been stuck in a negative money loop lately. I’ve been totally giving over my power and continuing to do something that I know is not healthy for me. I’m putting this out there because sometimes it is really difficult to stop what we’ve been doing for so long. I want you to know there will be soooo many emotions related to money when you start to do this work and that this is part of the process and normal.
How come we sabotage our dreams for others? How come we put people’s needs before ourselves?
I’ve been feeling resentful daily of the choices I make and what I am choosing, but I so know that I am the only one who can change it. I’m talking about letting my fiance “borrow” money from me on the (almost) daily.
I want so bad to believe in him and I do know what he is capable of, but by investing in him instead of myself, I can see so clearly how I am holding myself back. I have no one to blame but myself, but sometimes it’s easier to blame him. I make him feel bad about giving him the money, I know he will *eventually pay back.
This cycle has been going on for years and I keep holding onto an ounce of hope that something’s going to change, something’s gotta give…and then I go back and forth with my faith on the matter. What would Jesus do? Would he give if He had it? I know He would. So I struggle with that.
I beat myself up almost every day about all the things I’m doing wrong: my codependent nature. I see what I am doing so clearly, but it’s like something takes over and I continue the loop over and over.
The negative codependent behavior is me believing I can fix his behavior with money and “just this last time” maybe he will pull through. But I keep reminding myself that I can’t change anyone else, I can only change myself. And I have worked so freaking hard the past three years to change my financial life around and get on the right track, and I feel like I jeopardize that almost daily with my decision to let him borrow a couple hundred dollars, and I do.
It’s weird too because I realize how him having to ask me and letting him borrow my money, is a way I try to have control, and I don’t like that either. The caveat is that it actually makes me feel out of control, soooooo there’s that. And I spiral, and spiral, and spiral, to a dark place I hate to go. A place that tells me I am weak. Stay indoors. You won’t amount to anything. You suck. And you will never be who you are meant to be.
It hurts, but often it feels easier than changing and stepping up to someone, stepping up to yourself sometimes and saying “No!” “I AM great.” “I matter.” “I am loved.” and “I am here for a reason.”
The emotions of money are strong. So strong they can make you feel weak, frustrated, hopeless, sad. But I am not willing to give up. So I fight. I fight every day for myself. To get out of bed. Get outside. Connect to my higher self and pray. Pray my heart softens and my mind calms. Pray I see myself how God sees me. Pray He uses me for the reason He made me, and that I’m able to share my insights on money and empower millions of people around the globe.
Codependency isn’t my excuse. It’s how I’ve been trained (unconsciously) since childhood. It’s something I’ve been really trying to come to terms with this past year. It’s natural to me to help others and fix people’s problems, even when they are FULLY capable of doing it on their own. Many codependents are high-functioning, successful people, but it’s hard for them to say no to anyone, without feeling like they are letting someone down, or to go deeper, that someone will not love them.
We think we are helping people by doing what we do, but we are seriously enabling others, and it’s a very vicious, very dangerous cycle.
My codependency began with my mother in my teenage years. I can look back and see sooooo freaking clearly now. I’ve been fortunate to be able to talk to her about it many times and work through some of the pain, but it doesn’t just go away. It takes works every day. It’s ingrained in me.
Even now I still catch myself trying to take care of things for her when she doesn’t need or ASK for my help. Step one is recognizing this behavior right? So I’m putting it out there. Because I want others to know they’re not alone and codependency is real. It’s a form of control and something I really want to stop.
I don’t want to stop helping people who really need my help and being there for others. No. I want to stop thinking I need to help (and fix) others who are grown adults and need to learn their own lessons. I am actually doing them a disservice and stopping them from growing…now that’s some real shit.
I still have a long way to go when it comes to changing my behavior and creating my ultimate dream life, but we are all works in progress. We all make mistakes. And many times we take two steps forward and two steps back. Sometimes it even feels like we’re in quicksand…
If people were all like us and did everything we wanted them to do, what would life be like though? I will admit, I think it would be the best thing ever for a few days, but soon enough it would be BORING.
Growth is WHY we are here. Having all the emotions—good, bad, positive, negative is what WE CHOOSE to come to this place, at this time.
Sometimes, you’ll be down on yourself. You’ll feel resentful. You’ll feel angry. You’ll get hurt. But, there will be lots of other times when you will feel grateful beyond measure. You’ll believe in yourself like it’s your job (because it is). You’ll do things you never thought possible. You’ll get out of debt, have a million in the bank and be able to give freely as your heart desires.
I believe life is 50/50. So I will notice where I am holding myself back. I will say “no” when I need to and I will make decisions based on how they will impact my future. I will 1000000% make a million more mistakes. I will undoubtedly have crappy days. But I will do my best to embrace it all. And break the chains of my past and my patterns that do not serve me (or the world for that matter). And I’m here to tell you, you are 1000000000% able to do the same.
You’ve got this and you are beautiful,
Tawnya
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